Still

I've noticed
Over the last several years
how insecure I've become.

At first,
I couldn't tell you why.
If you know me,
insecure is not how you would describe me.

And then,
Sitting at my table
on a sunny Sunday afternoon,
While kids are napping,
I emailed a friend
and suddenly I felt it all.

All the newness
over the last 5 years.

New countries.
New languages.
New friends.
New boyfriend.
New fiance.
New husband.
New family.
New international move.
New friends.
New job.
New baby.
New church.
New friends.
New baby.
New job.
New move.
New home.
New church.
Making new friends.

It all hit me.
Really hit me.

I didn't marry until I was 37.
And so,
I was settled with myself for a long time.

Until I wasn't.
And I'm not sure what I'm good at anymore.

And I'm hoping that in the throes of all that is new
I can find that part of peace
in my soul
that whispers: I know who you are. Still.
And again the whisper: Be still. And know. I am.