Monday, April 23, 2012

Turning 40

I've been asking this question a lot lately:
Who am I?

I am on the cusp, the brink, the edge
of 40.

This is only a timeline of some significant years of my life (in no particular order):

At 37 I married.
At 38 I became a mama.
At 40 I will become a mama again.

At 18 I went away to college.
At 24 I became a teacher.
At 27 I moved to Seattle for grad school.
At 30 I had a crisis.
At 32 I went to India
and everything changed.
At 33 I became a social worker.
At 34 I led an anti-human trafficking program.
At 35 I moved to Romania.

I know I am a child of God,
I am His. I belong to Him.

I was single most of my life,
but now I'm a wife.
And a mom.
The eldest sister of four girls.
An aunt to 10 nieces and nephews.
A daughter.

I majored in Bible
and have a masters in counseling.

I like to write and read and cook and creativity.
I think I'm a good friend.

What I'm getting at is this:
who am I?

I'm not out to discover myself,
but I do think,
that where I find myself now
is so different than anywhere I've been before,
that I'm seeking to know who this new woman is.

This woman who is a wife and mom,
but for years only dreamed of such things.

Who used to consider and contemplate and cogitate on deep deep things (well, okay, maybe not so deep)
but now,
washing dishes
doing laundry
changing diapers
making dinner
clutter my mind
and leave me too tired
to think much beyond
how early I can go to bed.

I'm not complaining.
I love my life...
I love creating a home for my family.
I believe I am called to this place where I am.
I just wonder
who I am now
outside of household chores.
Or when a baby isn't tugging at my legs.

I believe that this is an important question to ask:
who am I?
Because it will form the earth around which I will tend the seeds of little ones I've been given.
It will differentiate me from them, and them from me.

As I stand at 40 I ask this question:
who am I?
who do I want to be?


  1. A great that I ask myself often...

  2. phew... glad you are still asking those two questions at 40. I am asking that now and looking around- feeling like I am the only one.