If I were a younger woman

I've struggled with marrying and having children so late in life.
I know.
You don't need to say
that I should be grateful
to have any of it at all.
I am.
Every day I look at my little girl and think:
when will I wake up and discover she's not really mine?
Or that man who shares my bed:
when will I roll over and find that his side is empty. Still.

I know that had I married and bore children 10, 15 years ago,
I would not be the woman I am today.
And in most ways,
that is very good.

Still,
were I a younger woman
I may have more time
to have more children.
And more energy to chase them.
I may have more years to hold the hand of the one I love.

If.

If I were a younger woman
there'd be no need for genetic counseling
or concern about some halo of blood around my baby's head.
When they tell me that all my markers are good
and this pregnancy looks normal,
should I be younger,
perhaps my sigh of relief wouldn't be so loud.

And.

If I were a younger woman
my need to trust
would not be so strong.
My hope
grounded in something far less real,
than the Hope this older woman has found.
My desire
more about me and less about that
which is closer than the air I breathe.

If I were a younger woman:
The conflict of what could have been and is.
The crisis of contentment and longing.
And finding it safe to simply be.