I've known Mica since before she was born...how crazy is that? She has grown into an incredible woman walking a journey of brokenness with such grace that I cannot find words to describe it. I am humbled by her words here today...
Brokenness is....
....sitting in church on Sunday
morning, surrounded by godly women who love you, two days after you found out
round 4 of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) did not work, holding a 10 week old
twin baby girl Emma, the day before it was the due date of the twins I
miscarried, silently sobbing while singing,
"Lord, I need You
Oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense
My righteousness
Oh, God how I need You"
(
http://www.metrolyrics.com/lord-i-need-you-lyrics-matt-maher.html )
Over the past 4 years my husband and
I have walked the infertility road, and the time of most brokenness has
definitely been over the last year as we have gone through 4 rounds of IVF. In
each round, brokenness looked very different.
Round 1, the thought never crossed my
mind that it wouldn't work for us. And I was devastated when it didn't. Oh so
broken. And in the broken He reminded me that it was OK and to cling to Him.
That is where He wanted me.
Then Round 2, we got those precious
words, "You are pregnant!" It was absolutely a beautiful and weird
time. After 3 years and we were pregnant. I didn't know how to react other then
pure confused joy. Well 2 weeks later we found out we were having identical
twins. But it was overshadowed because I had started to bleed the day before
which really freaked us out. A week later when they told us that one and then
both of them stopped breathing, it deflated us. And there we were again. In the
brokenness. And once again He held on to us as we walked through both the
physical and emotional process of losing what we wanted so badly. But in
the brokenness, He reminded us that we have hope. We now know we can get
pregnant!
So we excitedly jumped into Round 3.
During my first days of bed rest after the procedure to implant those little
embryos, fear hit me full force. I had no idea if I could survive finding out
that another round did not work. As I was sitting there, Jesus gently reminded
me through my bible study, that He had me. That there was nothing to fear. That
He would walk with me in the depths of fear and brokenness and that if I would
just abide, be still, and cling to him that I would be at complete peace.
After Round 3 did not work and we
decided to go forth on Round 4, the brokenness came once again when we heard
those dreaded words, "Not pregnant." There is something so terribly
hard about all the hope being dashed in seconds. And yet such peace knowing
that we can cling to His promises. And I definitely clung to this verse as a
reminder. Ephesians 3:20 "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more
than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within
us."
And days later, we still have no idea what we are going to do next or where God will lead us in our adventure, but I do know this. That I would not trade a second of our story. I would not do any of this time over again. The depth of my relationship with my Abba, with my husband, with my family, and my friends has been deepened. And God has used our brokenness time and time again. God being able to shine through our brokenness is the beauty of believing.
My favorite part of brokenness is
that it is not just about being in the pit and in the hard. Brokenness is
allowing our Abba Father to give us the hope, and the peace, and the beautiful
joy that comes with giving everything to Him. With allowing Him to walk with us
and love on us in the brokenness.
And although brokenness is bawling in
bed later that Sunday night, it is also laying there with your raw heart being
offered to our Lord, and feeling like you are wrapped in the comfort of our
Abba Father's arms, in the biggest bear hug you could ever imagine filled with
the peace, hope, and sweet joy that can only come from Him being with you in
the brokenness.
My name is Mica Kucera. I love my Jesus, my husband, my friends and my family. My favorite things in life include reading, health through Young Living Essential Oils, minimizing my "things", and cooking from scratch. God has given me an incredibly joyful life that my hubby and I adventure through together.
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