Brokenness: Immoblized

Have you ever been in that spot,
when faced by your own brokenness,
you cannot move out or over or through?
You're just stuck.

And you wonder,
how can this be useful?
How can I be useful?
I'm so broken.

I make bad decisions
say wrong things
act impulsively
hold jealousy in my heart.
My mind won't work,
so occupied with fear and anxiety and stress and panic.

Sometimes,
it's enough just to get through a day.
my children, myself, my husband.
to lay down at night and sleep.

I am stretched right now.
tight and taut.
Pulled with the weight of all that I am not
and the truth of all I am.
And I wonder where is the point where the stretching and expanding will cease and I will rip.
And not only me,
but those I love.

I am stopped by my own frailty and failure,
immoblized.
How does one mother and wife and write
when with certainty I feel like I can't do any of it well.

How does one live past failure?
Move through condemnation...
continue living without hovering over past sin?

I know the Bible truths,
verses
chapters
words
letters
that should spell victory
and hope.

I know that staying in the questions,
occupying the tension,
being present in life,
while all the pain swirls around,
is really the only way to truly live.

But knowing and doing are two different things.
And when you can't move.
When you can't reach...
when all you can do is fall...

on your knees.

Not too long ago
I asked God why one thing couldn't be easy...
why was it all so hard?
Cry out to me, God said.
Nothing is easier.

When you can't move,
when you can barely breathe...
when the thunder is rolling in and rain begins to fall and all you want to do is finish,
cry to God.